


if only

by stackiemaggie



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, poor Newt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:35:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22196395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stackiemaggie/pseuds/stackiemaggie
Summary: in which newt finally says goodbye.
Relationships: Newt (Maze Runner)/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 8





	if only

he still waits for her.

wakes up at the crack of dawn to stand in front of the maze doors with his heart in his throat and a longing in his eyes as he waits.

and waits.

and waits.

and when he opens his eyes again, she's standing right in front of him. 

"you came," she says, and her smile is all wrong. the sadness in her eyes--the pain in the forced upturn of her lips--newt sees it. 

he sees the wetness on her cheeks, the translucent hue of her skin. a pale shade of almost-white that holds none of the warmth she used to have. 

but newt ignores it. chooses to bask in his ignorance because he would much rather do that than come to terms with the fact that she is

newt swallows.

"of course i did."

he cracks a smile of his own, and as he does, a tear escapes his eye. he feels it roll down the side of his cheek. 

she reaches for him, takes his hand in hers and holds on tight. her palm is soft and her fingers fit the gaps inbetween his like puzzle pieces falling together. like they always have.

"newt," she says. even her voice sounds sad. "newt."

another tear slips out. there's a pain in newt's chest that makes it hard to breathe, makes it hard for him to do anything else but cry. 

"i'm sorry," he whispers, voice cracking, entire body trembling as he stands there in front of her with his head bowed and his hands trembling despite her holding onto them. 

"i'm sorry i couldn't--" a wretched sob slips from his lips. "i'm sorry i couldn't keep you safe."

she smiles again, but it's wrong again, it's not the same warm smile newt has grown so used to seeing.

"it's not your fault." _wrong._

"i could have saved you."

"i don't blame you, newt. no one does." _you should. everyone should._

newt feels her more than he sees her cradle his cheek in her palm. automatically he leans into it, finding momentary solace in her touch even though her hand is freezing cold and feels like ice pressed against his cheek.

they fall silent, and for a while all that fills the air is the sound of newt sniffling. and then slowly, gingerly, she steps on her tiptoes and leans forward to press a kiss to newt's forehead. 

her lips linger there for a moment or two. something in newt's chest breaks, like a string snapping or maybe it's something worse, maybe it's his heart splintering in half. 

"i miss you so much," he whispers when she draws away. her hand still rests on the side of his face, like she's anchoring him in place. she doesn't need to. newt isn't going anywhere.

"i do too," is what she says back. "i wish. . i wish we had more time."

another wet sob erupts from newt's throat. 

"please don't cry, newt," she says, and it's ironic, really, because everything about her voice suggests that she's about to cry.

ironic, really, how tightly newt hangs onto her when there's no one there to hang onto in the first place.

he knows.

he _knows._

but accepting it is a different matter.

and then she says the one thing that's been looming over the pair of them ever since newt started seeing her by the maze doors clad in her blood-stained runner clothes and a sad smile.

"you're not supposed to be seeing me, newt."

the exact opposite of what he wants to hear. 

"don't," says newt. his hand comes up to clutch at the wrist of her hand that's on his cheek.

his voice broken, he repeats, "don't--don't do this to me, love."

she holds his gaze in hers, her eyes swimming with the same sadness that's in newt's. "you can't heal if you don't let me go."

newt shakes his head, his throat constricting to the point that he can't speak, can't even choke out a defiant no. so he shakes his head and tightens his grip on her instead. 

"i'm gone, newt," she says softly, using the same tone she'd use on him on nights where his nightmares would get bad, when she'd try coaxing him back to sleep. "i'm never coming back. and you have to let me go."

he shakes his head. i don't want to forget you.

"letting me go isn't the same as forgetting me."

"i don't--" he cuts himself off when a pained whimper slips past his lips. "i don't know what to do without you."

newt's eyes are downcast but he looks up just in time to see the way she's looking at him; that look of pure and utter longing like she wants no more than to touch him, to hold him, but she knows that they don't have time. and newt knows it too.

her bottom lip trembles. "don't shut out the people you still have," she says, and her voice is shaky but firm. sure of herself. "and keep fighting. fight for the future i know you deserve. a future where you'll be free and happy--"

"what if i don't want to fight without you?" newt sounds like a child even to his own ears. but it's true. moving forward without her at his side doesn't just seem like a challenge; it's impossible. 

but the look in her eyes is pleading. "remember how you told me you'd do anything for me?"

he does. he remembers lying awake in the dead of night with her curled up in his arms, leaning against his chest, heartbeats in perfect sync. he remembers murmuring sweet nothings into her hair and against her lips; _i love you. nothing else matters but you. please never get tired of me. i can't imagine a world without you._ _i'd do anything for you._

he remembers all the promises he'd made. promises he didn't get to keep.

"do you remember, newt?"

he nods. 

she skims her thumb over his cheek, nods right with him. "then keep fighting for me. make it out of here for me, and for every other name carved on that stone." 

newt wants to argue. he wants to shout and cry and scream and tell her that it's not easy for him to let go. it's the hardest thing he's ever been asked to do. 

"promise me, newt." 

"i. . i promise."

she cracks a smile, and for the first time in a long time newt knows that it's genuine. 

it's the same smile he used to see whenever he'd tickle her sides in the morning as a way of waking her up. 

the same smile she gave him whenever he'd press feather-light kisses to her nose for absolutely no reason.

the same smile he saw from her whenever he'd shout "i love you" to her all the way from the other side of the glade.

the same smile that would grace her lips on nights they'd spend tangled up in each other's limbs, holding each other as close as they physically could. 

newt tries for a smile of his own. it's not quite his smile; no crinkled eyes, no scrunched nose, but it's a smile nonetheless. a little sad, a little pained, but it could pass. 

"i love you," she whispers to him, and leans her forehead against his, the tips of their noses just barely touching. 

he stares at her, eyes dancing over every inch of her face in an attempt to drink it all in. he memorizes the planes of her face, every freckle, every scar, every tiny little detail, because somehow he knows that this is the last time he will ever see her like this again. 

"i. ." a sharp stab of pain surges through newt's chest. "i love you too." _more than you will ever know._

newt closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, she's gone.

he stands there for a moment, staring at the maze doors. he can still feel her touch: palms pressed against his, lips grazing his temple, skin on his skin. lingering.

newt turns and walks back to the homestead in silence.

she lingers. 

and lingers. 

every single day. 

and even though he can't quite see her, newt knows that she is with him. life keeps going, and he keeps fighting, and all that drives him to do so is his promise to her.

_keep fighting for me. make it out of here for me, and for every other name carved on that stone._

_. ._

_promise?_

_. ._

_i promise._

**Author's Note:**

> for anyone who didnt get the plot, basically:  
> \- girl oc is dead  
> \- newt is hallucinating, hence why she disappears at the end
> 
> basically just newt coming to terms w oc's death oof anyways i typed this up on a whim n idk what to feel ab it but i guess it's okay!


End file.
